Thanks to Complex.com, we have an inside look at the seating arrangements for this weekend's MTV Video Music Awards, probably so that we might begin to plan in advance what memes and .GIFs will come of the festivities, because as a generation we are unable to express ideas or emotions unless they can be explained in a looping image format or someone tweeted about it. This is important stuff, people. Given the nine pictures provided by Complex, I'd like to breakdown my predictions of what kind of zany tomfoolery will come of this year's VMAs based on where our favorite celebs are sitting.
1.) Keen planning on the part of MTV producers here, placing JT, Kanye, Kevin Hart and what looks like J. Biebs all together, perfect for some funny reaction shots or just something for the guys in the booth to cut to during wardrobe malfunctions/drunken polemics/etc. Expect lots of moody, affectless looks from Kanye, juxtaposed with Justin Timberlake looking wholesome and nonthreatening while Kevin Hart talks through the whole show.
2.) Meanwhile, in the "WTF Corner," the Smith family plots world domination as Ciara, Nelly and Jason Derulo contemplate why exactly they are still considered relevant (Nelly's anxiety is assuaged when he remembers the Honey Nut Cheerios ad he was just in). And then there's Elijah Wood, who was placed there because the producers forgot they invited him until the last minute. Expect lots of nervous laughs by Wood at key moments, like when Taylor Swift wins an award and makes some thinly-veiled reference in her acceptance to 2009's Kanye incident, with producers cutting to him because he seems just as meek and vulnerable as Swift, but with less relationship problems, and also because they feel bad for forgetting about him and assume most of America has likewise also forgotten about him.
3.) Nothing too shocking or notable here, other than Lady Gaga's face in that picture. I mean, Jesus God, is she planning on making an appearance on "The Walking Dead"? Is she trying to look like an ebola survivor? My prediction here is that Lady Gaga infects Katy Perry with whatever pestilence she is harboring, causing them to both turn into ebola-demons and then eat Bruno Mars, who will later write a song about the incident, entitled "I'm Being Savagely Mauled by Demon Lady Gaga and Demon Katy Perry," which will peak at a modest 78 on the Billboard charts but will attract derision from critics because it sounds too much like every other Bruno Mars song, with the exception that in this one, he is clearly being mauled by two pop-stars-turned- ebola-demons. During this whole fiasco, fun. will look disaffected yet at times poignant and wistful.
4.) Lots of good times to be had in this section. Robin Thicke, at the conclusion of the VMAs, will serve as a case study that the old wive's tale "if you keep making the same weird face it will get stuck like that" is actually very real, and Thicke will never be able to look anything other than suave and pointlessly inquisitive again, which will cause him a great deal of inner turmoil for the rest of his life, a kind of pain that he will be unable to truly express because seriously this guy never stops making that stupid face Jesus, come on. Pharrell will spend most of the show recording at least three new songs before everyone forgets about him for five years again. Miley Cyrus will try her darndest to be as hip and "with it" as her fans now think she is by making as many juvenile expressions as possible whenever the camera is on her. DJ Khaled will propose to Nile Rodgers because from behind he looks like Whoopi Goldberg, a woman whom Khaled has been crushing on since grade 10. Upon realizing Rodgers is not Whoopi Goldberg, nor even the same gender as Whoopi Goldberg, he will insist the whole thing was a joke anyway and frantically call his agent and tell him to delete the YouTube video proposal he recorded for Whoopi Goldberg, and also swallow the $8 million ring he bought for the occasion.
5.) Not even gonna touch this one. Mostly because I have no idea who Danity Kane is and I feel like I'm better off that way.
6.) 2 Chainz, A$AP Rocky and Vampire Weekend will all whisper amongst each other, wondering who the hell "Nervo" is. Busta Rhymes will talk too fast. Big Sean will let other rappers take the spotlight and be "totally cool with it." Hopefully that old guy will be there.
Tune into MTV on Sunday to watch the VMAs and see these predictions come true (seriously, these are all happening, trust me).